Me Vs Myself
"How old are you?" I asked my future self.
"I am almost 30", she said.
"Am I dead?" I asked.
Lowering her head, tears streaming down the face, she said, "Not as yet, you have just 9 days to go."
"And today's our anniversary?" I inquired.
She nodded "Yes."
Quickly my finite mind began the calculations. (I cross over on or around May 1,2003.)
"You and I practiced talking to each other with just our spirit minds for hours, for years.
"We defied linear time and space", she said excitedly.
"This way we are never apart", I say.
There isn't a void.
It doesn’t make much of a difference even 10 days from now.
Who cares if you live or not?
posted by J @ 11:30 am
Comments: 7
7 Comments:
hmmm...
scarin' me just a little here, J.
artistic license aside...
J2
yeah , who cares - if not the self ?
J & Lax,
It scares me too. But suddenly life's taken a 360 degrees turn for me. And, living for the sake of living makes me feel sick.
It doesn’t make much of a difference even 10 days from now.
Who cares if you live or not?
Thats the whole point.......thats why....I dont wanna grow old......
J,
I'm a staunch beliver of Smile and Living every moment of the life coz u don't know whatz there in one's destiny at the very next moment.
Moreover the answer to your question that feeling sick about living just for the sake - it is pretty simple - make it purposeful / useful.
If u still thought life is not as it used to be, try to spend atleast an hour with one of the Tsunami affected areas u'll know what it is.
and how gifted and blessed u r .
First hand view of the Tsunami
This was a journal which was maintained by a friend of mine during his trip to Nagapathinam during the peak of theTsunami tragedy. Thought I would share it through my blog with a whole lot of people who would like to have a first hand opinion of the entire episode. I was more or less in tears after reading this, one due to the pain which people have had to undergo, and two for the shock and disbelief of how selfish people can get!
Read on....
Day 1, Sunday. Tsunami - struck at about 8.45-9.30 in Nagapattinam. I heard the news at about 5 in the evening.
Day 2, Monday. Nagapattinam in complete shock and disbelief. No rescue or relief yet in town but for the locals trying to recover the dead bodies. I made my decision to go to Nagapattinam.
Day 3,
On Tuesday morning as I was approaching Nagapattinam, I saw the pictures of the disaster for the first time in Newspaper (before I left Bangalore - I did not see TV or newspaper). The local dailies had no censorship and were full of pictures of bodies spread around in the streets. It gave me jitters. I hoped the road to be full with help rushing in, but the road was empty with only our bus and its (only) two passengers.
Bus was stopped about 40 km from Nagapattinam in a town called Thiruvaroor where tens of thousands refugees were hosted. The sight was grim and inhumane. I decided to continue my journey. From there, I had to go in the local bus filled with refugees returning to see what was left. A man sitting with a child near me was fighting his tears without much success. There were some who spoke of strange fishes they saw when the waves came and some talk about who survived and who did not. Mostly the bus was silent inspite of being overcrowded. There was a school on the way which was full of refugees from nagai (nagapattinam) but the local kids were playing cricket in the grounds! There was a pond filled with strange flowers which gave out a good fragrance, I was expecting the stench of bodies.
Nagai looked like a ghost town with hardly any one in the streets and all buildings with closed doors. The streets were full of chlorine powder giving its smell to the air. Slowly the bus proceeded to the main bus stand which was deserted. Saw two lodges with the good looking one full of cops. Headed to the shabby looking one where I was lucky to get a room. I hit the bed for less than an hour not sure on what to do and body asking for rest after a not too ideal night journey. Then I decided to get out and head to the municipality office. There were more cops now and the place was a little ‘livelier’. People were lying in the street sides and their belongings lay scattered around. I saw the first relief camp at a school but was not too sure whether I should enter or not. Made my decision to reach the municipality office and then decide. On my way, I saw a group of doctors and para-medics from Apollo Hospitals, Chennai; at a relief camp. I spoke to one of the doctors and he guided me to a local gentleman who was organizing their visit. This gentleman gave me a hearty welcome and routed me to people in his group who were moving with the doctors.
The gentleman I met was a big businessman and a top district level politician. But on that day he was a ground level samaritan trying to arrange for help. Apollo Hospitals was the first outside of Nagai doctors’ team to come for assistance. They had two senior surgeons, pediatric, ortho, cardiac, gyneac specialists, a few junior docs and many para-medics. Most of the people with whom I was inducted, were local residents who had enormous economic impact but not much of health impact. They had nothing to do with politics or any organizations but just being themselves. They had all moved their families to far away relative’s houses and stayed back to help those who lost everything in the waves. These I got to know later but then there was no time for introductions.
By the time, I was introduced into the team; the team was ready to move to the next relief camp and was packing up. I was given a face mask and gloves. There was one girl who was being carried into the ambulance with a drip being administered. As soon as we started moving towards the next relief camp, the traffic was blocked. SONIA GANDHI WAS VISITING THE "IMPACTED" PEOPLE AND HENCE, RELIEF WORK WAS STOPPED.
Out of nowhere, came about 40 vehicles, 200+ supporters of congress jumped out and formed a human wall. Sonia went into the hospital and the police and supporters started controlling the crowd. PEOPLE WHO LOST EVERYTHING WERE BEING THREATENED BY COPS WITH LATHIS TO NOT WALK AROUND. Ladies were bought in from a nearby camp to cry in front of Sonia!!! The spread their hair and started off, but were told to hold off till Sonia comes out of the relief camp. About 15 mins later, Sonia came out to meet the crowds and the "prepared" ladies started wailing that they lost everything. Photo opportunities for leaders, scoop for media and .......... After some time pack up time to move, and all of them got into the cars and went. Not one of the supporters stayed back, for they have the important task of being the tail of their leader. The place got its weary look back with only the cops on duty to guard the refugees remaining.
A good 45-60 mins after the last relief camp, we unloaded the table and chairs at the next place (hardly 5 mins away from the previous site).
People came with all sorts of bruises, cuts and injuries. Some had drunk lot of sea water and had related illness. Mostly every one was carried away in the water till they got something to hold on to. Once they held on, then it was a fight against the receding and incoming water PLUS body being hit by all kinds of debris being thrown up by the wave. Those who gave up, went with the sea and never came back alive. There was a particular child about six months old, who was swept away for more than 200 meters and until someone got hold of the child and clung on to her. She never stops crying in the nights as she has water in her lungs.
Medicines were running out as doctors did not have any clue on what to expect and had come with a standard mix of medicines. Call for extra medicines were made and doctors had no choice but to take rest till the extra stocks came from pondichery and trichy hospitals a few hours away. We went to many more relief camps on that day. I graduated from crowd management - at the first relief camp, to a paramedic trying to hold the patients still while all sorts of wounds in their bodies were being administered to (by the end of the day). I do not want to say more about those wounds but that those sights would remain fresh in my mind for ages to come.
Also I saw extreme examples of human emotions/reactions. Children not crying while major injuries were being attended, to a mother falling unconscious seeing child crying out of pain in a skull injury, to a son threatening the doctor not to save his father for he wanted the relief money offered to the dead. To a mother hitting the child by raising him with both his legs where I caught the kid before his head crashed into the concrete, his fault - he spilled the mineral water that she got from us. Next day I saw this mother walking around carrying this child without ever keeping him down – remorse? Maybe!
There were two policemen stealing a sack full of new clothes and refugees who tried to get one piece of cloth out of the sack were being beaten up by the cops!!!
We closed the day late at about 9 pm as most of the relief camps in the town were covered. On the way back to hotel, ironically Barkha Datt from NDTV was sitting at the same spot where Sonia Gandhi was in the morning.
Day 4, Wednesday.
Nagapattinam started receiving major media attention and most of the relief was being routed to this place. Many medical teams had come to the town and hence, we moved to outskirts and nearby towns. We were to go to the place where the entire village was wiped out and the only access - a bridge was blocked by huge boats thrown over by Tsunami. We were told that the village was completely evacuated to safety and hence there was no point in going back to the evacuated areas. When leaving the town, we saw the beautiful velankanni church (the most revered church in south India) where the waves swept off the people who came to attend the Sunday mass on the day after Christmas. On our way out, we saw smoke from gulping in the sky and on making enquiries on the location we were told that our presence was not required there as there were fire personal and standby medical crew. We traveled quite far away into many inland areas and relief camps in other towns. Stench of rotting bodies was felt at many places on the way. Relief camps at most places were well organized by that day with one resident doctor in each relief camps. However they were running out of stock and needed specialist assistance that we provided. Some places drip was given by laying the patients under a tree and hanging the medicine from the tree branches.
On returning back to the town, I saw the sorry sight of used clothes lying all over the town in the roads. The clothes collected by agencies across south India was being dumped into Nagai but not to the needy in the inlands. Nagapattinam District was heavily hit by Tsunami claiming more the 4500+ (official) deaths. But all relief aid was being concentrated onto the Nagapattinam town which accounted for only a very small portion of the impacted area in the district. Food packets were thrown in the floor near the relief camps and most of the food distributed was stale. This in turn attracted the flies being a good invitation for diseases.
On the whole, day 4, was a more restful day compared to previous as most of the time was spent traveling. We closed the day at about 11pm and I hit the bed like a log.
Day 5, Thursday - A tragedy repeats- almost!!
When I got out of the hotel, I found loads of trucks and buses coming from far away places with volunteers. With already the last day gone without much effort, I considered returning to Bangalore. I went to the usual meeting place and all the relief centers on the way were having trucks in front offering more refined relief material like mats, new clothes, biscuits and bread. The guys with whom I was moving around the previous days were also relieved of the support pouring in. Some people in the relief camps were going back to check their houses, considering to move back to their undestroyed homes.
We decided to go for the unglamorous task of body recovering, which most of the outside volunteers would not be looking into. Apollo doctors were being redirected to another town by the union health minister and hence I chose to go for the body recovery as bodies still remaining unrecovered and rotting, was a major threat for spread of diseases. The flies in the town was also increasing steadily as too much of food was being thrown around. We packed up farming tools and started off to head to the worst hit village and nearby forest, to search for bodies BUT CHIEF MINISTER AND PRIME MINISTER WERE COMING AND HENCE, WE WERE NOT ALLOWED TO CROSS THE ROAD WITH DANGEROUS LOOKING WEAPONS !!!! Which was all but spades and cross bars. With no other option left to take the road and relief centers being taken over by security men arranging for the VVIP visits, we decided to wait for the IPs to pass and were watching television. For the first time, I saw the video of the waves which hit on 26th. It was scary and beyond my imagination. It was then, that we started hearing loud sounds outside.
People were running helter skelter and I got really cheesed off seeing the cops shouting at people. I thought one of the ministers have come and police is back to its ‘controlling’ the crowd mode. I went to the road to see what was happening. Then I heard a message being broadcasted in the empty police jeep asking the cops to evacuate the coast to a distance of 2km as another wave was expected to hit in the next one hour. I informed the neighbors around and everyone were asked to keep the stairs accessible and move valuables upstairs. I went to see television and reports confirmed that the government has asked for evacuation. Sun TV additionally reported that the water level has increased in Chennai already! Road was opened up and VVIP's had gone back. Panic started gripping the town and my new friends who went to check the sea reported that the sea is clam. But were worried about my safety and drove me off to my 2nd floor hotel room. But the building being shabby and me not sure of its standing, I packed my bag and started walking to the opposite direction of the beach with a hope to find a good spot. I called a colleague in Chennai who confirmed 'hearing reports' of rising waters in marina beach at Chennai. I found a tree (to which I can cling on incase of small waves) and a new looking double storied house which had outdoor stairs (which I can climb up incase of big wave).
I stood there watching the panicked crowd evacuating the town. All jeeps and trucks of relief teams were leaving town. Only cops posted from other parts of the country were staying back, but the local cops fled. So did the teams of docs and government officials overseeing the relief work. Mobs were stopping vehicles at the risk of being run down to climb in and escape. Relief workers were attacked at many places for not stopping. Cars and vans were plying with people on top. Injured were being carried out. I feared accidents in the road which thankfully did not happen. The town where everything was coming back to life went back to the day of tragedy in a matter of minutes. I stood there watching the waves of people pass by. The town emptied in less than half hour.
The climate has changed and it was a pale gloom in the skies. People were saying that the situation resembled the Sunday morning before the waves stuck. The family which lives in the building (which I mentally decided to take refuge on incase of the waves) were calling many relatives in the coastal belt and in Chennai for fresh updates. One of the gentlemen who struck up a conversation with me offered me money to leave the town, saying that their family had decided to die together and hence staying back, but I should leave. No waves had stuck anywhere in a major scale was the latest update. After standing there for two hours and no change in climate I decided to go back to my hotel room. The family offered me tea, which I politely refused but later accepted as there was chance of eating options being null closed and possibility of no lunch for me. Took some rest at the room and messaged my pals to call me when they are ready to act. About 3 pm I got a message from them to meet up at the usual place.
The refugees were hungry and there was no more relief work or food stocks. Food was being cooked in the municipality when the warning came and cooked rice was locked inside and all the government officials had fled. (Municipality was within a km from the coast). So we went, broke open the locks the municipal godown and bought food to the relief camps. It was an incredible experience with people doing everything they can to get food. We were being mobbed, pushed and beaten at times. They did not care if we were the ones who bought the food to them, all they cared was that they had a hungry belly and they had no clue on when they can get more food as they had to sit without food for more than a day in the aftermath of the disaster. Some people were hoarding food while some were without food. The ones who could act best that he/she is hungry got more and more, whereas the poor souls who did not join the mob stayed without food.
The people in refugee camps were not utterly poor. They were of decent background and proud of who they were. They lived in small houses/huts but most of them had color TV’s. They wore good clothes and sent children to convent schools nearby. Almost all of them lit crackers worth thousands of rupees a few weeks back for diwali. Then came this wave and shook them apart. All of them have lost dear ones in this disaster. Some families where only children have survived, some where only a wife or a husband survived with the entire family swept away. Some holding on to babies they saved from the waves not knowing whose the child it is. All of them are now living under a common roof - a marriage hall or at a school. People who lost all their lives savings, were now trying to see the night through by saving water and clothes. To look at them and to tell them that they will get food only if they sit in the floor or only if they form a queue is inhuman - but that is what I did.
By late evening the municipal authorities came back and they apologized for the delay. They were also humans and nothing requires them to give priority to their job over their life. We managed to get them to cook for the dinner also and the same was distributed back to the needy. By nightfall, the relief teams started slowly coming back to the town and water scarcity was also addressed.
Saw television news where two ministers were blaming each other for the evacuation order in the morning. At the same time, saw that Sri Lankan govt. got the same news and prepared the communication infrastructure ready for alert but waited for reconfirmation before any action. Sanely action! However the whole exercise proved that evacuation was possible if backed up by fear in the target communities. If similar evacuation happened in Nagapattinam town on the waves hitting Chennai.. The death toll would have been miniscule. That being the only positive note on a very negative day.
Day 6, Friday. Back to normalcy
Help was back in town. And so were the relief workers and agencies. Extra cleaning workers were coming to clean the relief camps and food packets thrown all over. Used clothes thrown all over the city was being taken away to be burnt in trucks. My friends had sourced id cards for people in relief camps to ensure that each person gets one and every person gets one, of the relief goods coming by. Many people had contacted asking what they can bring to help, and resettling materials were being requisitioned like - rice, pulses, utensils, bags, stoves, kerosene for people whose houses are not destroyed but materials had been washed away. Shops remains closed which resulted in people who don’t have stocks remaining foodless and depending on aid inspite of not being impacted by the waves. Shop keepers are fearing looting and hence asking for security which currently is lacking.
As the id cards being prepared were in Tamil and me an illiterate in that language, one of them offered to drive me around to see the damage caused by Tsunami and for the first time in those four days, I was engaging in conversations about the incident. I reached the beach (what was well maintained) and saw a big palatial house from which sea was about 700 metres. Three children and seven guests in that house perished in the waves. Only the father and mother survived. Saw a train track which was twisted around like a straw. Saw the roof of a car which was fully submerged in the sands. Saw the place where kids were playing cricket and none of whom survived. Saw huge electric posts uprooted like candles in a birthday cake. Concrete buildings thrown off, coconut palms knocked down... Went to the harbor where a huge trawler weighing more than a few hundred tones being thrown to land. Huge fishing boats docked in the waters are now lying hundreds of meters away in the road and in private compounds. A petrol bunk with all the vending machines disappeared. Roof of the petrol bunk was damaged when boats ran over roof of the building. The metal shutters of the bunk are in a corner as if it was junk metal. Mostly scenes many of you saw in the television, but I never saw in television. I saw it in real. The magnitude of destruction was so overwhelming, it was almost like the feeling that I had when I saw the Great Wall of China for the first time. Simply put, beyond words. It was then that I realized how precariously close to the beach my hotel was and that the places I spent most of the times were less than a km from the sea.
On that day were also present curious onlookers coming from many parts of Tamil nadu and even western tourists venturing in to take rare photos of the tragedy. I have been seeing BBC camera crew, a European couple who came as volunteers and unicef inspectors in the previous days but not people who were just using the opportunity for collecting their memorabilia.
The town municipality was working really well and so were many panchayats (village governing councils) in the relief effort coordination’s. BUT the collectorate responsible for the entire district failed miserably. A better effort from the collectorate (at least to the level of municipality) would have saved some lives lost due to lack of emergency medical care and reduced a lot of suffering in various small/ignored pockets in the district. All relief agencies were told to contact collectorate, but many large scale donors who went to the collectorate - returned without giving any relief contribution due to absolute mismanagement and misinformation by the collector’s office.
Crowd was prepared each time a media crew approached and some shameless guys only came to tie their banners without ever doing anything. All the private relief agencies and politicians were eager to capture their "acts of benevolence" in video camera and staging ‘acts’ for capturing in the presence of media. Yes makes sense to adorn their notice boards with those pictures, start of ad campaigns and update the web pages with their heroics BUT what about those poor suffering humans, on the receiving end. Their pale face is suddenly more worth that the beauty of a supermodel.
Just got a call from Raja - the leader by action, of the group with whom I became friends with. He wanted to ensure that I reached home safe. Each individual in that group was a living example of courage, positive-ness and above all humane-ness. But in the days to come, they will be accused of hoarding the supplies, of favoritism, of ego and of every sin under the sun but they will continue to act, laughing and joking. As I return to my world, I salute those simpletons who were hit hard by a wave not even a week back, but they smile and continue to ignore their lives to help others – some of whom have lost less than these guys.
whoa...!!!
Thanks Lax.
:-)
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