Friday, March 31, 2006

I have this impending sense of urgency that’s refusing to move on. Clouding my perception, for no apparent reason. There are those faint lucky stars of grey, fighting for existence in the overcast sky. So things aren’t really as overbearing as it seems to be/me. But I’m afraid I might be giving out wrong signals. Seriously, these signals are not supposed to be noticed, not by you. In a fleeting state of consciousness, this ‘feeling’ takes a break and goes shopping. And picks up a mask, a hideous morbid mask of insecurity. Putting the mind to work. Questioning the incidence in reality. Cooking up innumerable scenes of morbidity. One ingenious mask this is. Incomplete, these thoughts might seem. But the patches of red and dread refuse to come clean.

Life or/and death?

2 Comments:

Blogger chaos said...

have you tried seeing yourself from a third person angle... may be u'll realize what your signals mean ... different to different people...
it's amazing and sometimes very scary too ;)

10:40 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Life

10:14 am  

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Monday, March 27, 2006

I HATE EVERYTHNG!
EVERY FUCKING THING!

14 Comments:

Blogger madhavan said...

So?

5:16 pm  
Blogger J said...

So, kill me.

5:23 pm  
Blogger madhavan said...

I wont. I wont I wont I wont

5:25 pm  
Blogger J said...

Please. Just listen to me this one time.

5:28 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

awww.. you poor little thing.. if ****ing hurts you so much, don't do it.. try lesbian.. think that baby doesn't hurt that much.. besides ****ing actually gets lovelier after a couple of times..

heheh..

hey wait.. were U talking abt ****ing at all?

5:43 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

okies....that was short & sweet...

8:52 pm  
Blogger km said...

Every thing?

10:09 pm  
Blogger Gaurav Kumar said...

i love everything

12:29 am  
Blogger arvindiyer said...

Now tell me somethin new? Bleh!!!

1:12 pm  
Blogger Elixir said...

*rolling eyes*
Join the club, babes...

3:50 pm  
Blogger Rider on the Storm said...

me too....
but u will need a silver bullet...

6:57 pm  
Blogger Anil.kumar03@gmail.com said...

aray bhai, itnaa sanaata kyon hai yahan .....


-ATG

11:35 am  
Blogger anumita said...

Why so?

1:27 pm  
Blogger Surjo said...

So do you mean that you hate anything you could have an orgie on ? I mean..........you know what I mean, right ? He ! He ! He !

12:25 am  

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Tuesday, March 21, 2006

I can hear the soft voice in my head.

Talking to me. Learning my language. Pulling me back to reality. Waking me up from my dream.

Trying to make me get my last dreaming moments right.

But there’s no dream now. The dreams have gone away with the sleep. The ones left are the ones I don’t want. The ones that scare. Not soothe. The ones that confuse. And don’t command you. The ones that don’t connect darkness with daylight. Dreams that share no connection with desires. Dreams that don’t really matter.

Care to look at the sun through a tattered newspaper sitting on a broken bench in a wet lawn?

Striving to succumb!

I think I will stop my meds now and thoroughly enjoy a short Mr. Hyde spree before I land in the mental ward again.

4 Comments:

Blogger sinusoidally said...

Mr. Hyde spree. That was funny. Well...I am not sure. Maybe.

6:19 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

hmmmmmm

9:32 pm  
Blogger phatichar said...

Been listening to Evanescence, have we?

5:33 pm  
Blogger Kunal said...

came to your blog after a really long time...and its quite different...time changes so very fast...seemingly..

7:56 pm  

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Friday, March 17, 2006

I pen this on the seventeenth day of March to say nothing.

Blogging to say nothing at all is like feeling low when you have an e-space dedicated to cribbing.

inhaling air to make sure there’s oxygen in it
pretending and prevaricating when nobody really cares
choosing anonymity to verify if you are really known
thinking if things could have been done differently when you’re losing control
realising why things went wrong when you know it’s all over
wondering why things went wrong when you know it’s not you fault

Crap… I can’t possibly breathe just to wait and watch.

I wanna say ‘off with your head’ like the Queen of hearts, with a big wide grin on my face. And get over with it.

Listen, you. I’m coming. Yes, you. Just you wait.

6 Comments:

Blogger Nishu said...

haha...

hmm... Nice one... (^_^) cool sense of humour which gals rarely have..

(^_^)

7:35 pm  
Blogger km said...

I wanna say ‘off with your head’ like the Queen of hearts, with a big wide grin on my face. And get over with it.

Put that thing down....easy now....just put it down and take a deep breath...no one's going to be hurt....ma'am, step away from the keyboard or we will make you!!!

10:06 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ah! Reality.. finally! Though it has to end in notoriety.. why do I always get exactly whats on your mind?

11:42 pm  
Blogger humbl devil said...

lol!!!
off that head shd be by now, me presumes...
un/lucky bloke...

2:11 pm  
Blogger chaos said...

hmm... this one was off track than your usuals...

11:55 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

how d hell is ur blog worth so much?...lolz mine bein zero..is it rigged?....;)

9:33 pm  

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Tuesday, March 14, 2006

She sat there silently. Watching. Watching people enjoy themselves.

She was hardly noticed. She looked very ordinary. Normal clothes. Hair all tied up tight with a band. Smudged lipstick. Tired face. Eyes all over the place. Watching every activity. Crossing her legs. And uncrossing them again.

She just looked like she was waiting for someone. Actually, it didn’t even matter to the people around if she wasn’t.

Bored she was. Bored of looking around. Bored of being stared back. . Bored of waiting for something to happen. Bored of waiting for nothing to happen.

Dipping her finger in coffee she drew smiley faces on table. She took out her lipstick and drew on tissues. She undid her hair and scratched on the chair. Doodled over the fogged window.

And then she heard an infectious giggle. She turned around to see who’s laughing.

Pretty girl. Cute smile.

She couldn’t help but feel a pang of guilt for not being able to join them in their joy.
If this is not guilt, what is it? Envy? Cold and harsh rejection? Or something else?
Unable to decide, she tried disguising the expression on her face.

She then heard the newspaper ruffle. She sensed someone leaning over. Someone watching. While she was looking away.
She didn’t turn around this time.
"I know he wouldn’t like me."

4 Comments:

Blogger km said...

The girl hijacked her own blind date! To say nothing of the poor guy who was stood up :))

9:25 pm  
Blogger Nishu said...

awww... Poor Gals, cant understand us..

Wishing u a very happy holi...

have a nice time (^_*)

7:27 pm  
Blogger The Wandering Hermit said...

Self denial is easy to live with isn't it...but indulging in the fantasies is the harder part and we the escapists we are always choose the easy path... the patli gali....
No Joie De Vivre... I often am in similiar straits as this one...boredom is sooo sooo mundane..it makes me yawn...
cheers
z

1:00 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

nice one...y dont u enter 4 dat short story contest da?...

9:34 pm  

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Thursday, March 09, 2006

She’s one of those who lived life in a constant state of moderation.
Moderation in everything.
Words, spoken and unspoken.
Actions too.
There was only one thing that wasn’t in moderation
Moderation.
Always mark the borderline.
And the +/-10 points of variance.
Once you figure out the range, it’s easy.
Never do anything in excess.
Never have too much fun.
Never cry too much.
Never emote too much.Never expose too much
Never smile.
Never frown.
Never never never.
What’s the point?
How did she do it?
He wondered.
If I had to make a simile out of this girl, what would it be?
Anything in moderation is bland.
Extreme is rad.
What would be extreme in the mind of a stoic?
Everything?
Who wants to be with someone so moderated?
Nobody. Except me.
Me (?)

6 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

That's what they say; until they get bored.

9:49 pm  
Blogger Golden Words said...

i dont like the fact that u dont mail me!!
[i am not reading ur post till u mail]
ME

12:29 am  
Blogger GhostOfTomJoad said...

Maybe she had a difficult childhood. Maybe her parents ill-treated her. Maybe she got dropped on her head when she was a child. Maybe she was a victim of abuse. Maybe she was truly herself only when she was alone. And, who knows, maybe she didn't want the world to know the real her! Can you blame her for that?

11:58 pm  
Blogger Self Writeous said...

Liked this bit

"There was only one thing that wasn’t in moderation.

Moderation"


What would be extreme in the mind of a stoic?

Everything?


I don't think so. I think the answer to this question would also be moderation

8:23 am  
Blogger Anil.kumar03@gmail.com said...

cryptic post.

why do people write cryptic post ?

nature is simple and we all are run by the laws of nature.


life is simple, try keeping it like that.

just an advice, love it or leave it

-ATG

11:34 am  
Blogger death said...

meeeee :D i wanna be with you :D

3:47 pm  

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Tuesday, March 07, 2006

If it’s something worth living for, it must undoubtedly be something worth dying for.

If you tell the same lie way too often, you start believing in it yourself and forget that it’s a lie. And the lie becomes the truth.

If you tell yourself that this is the last time you’ll be spending in bed, crying all night, you’ll be repeating this many more times.

If for a moment, you think you aren’t a hypocrite, you’re being one that very moment.

If you need something, you’ll get it. If you want something, you wont.

If you hate yourself, chances are nobody will love you.

If…

If all these are ‘ifs’, what’s for sure?

7 Comments:

Blogger nothing said...

all generalizations are false, including this one :D

4:58 pm  
Blogger Self Writeous said...

"Ifs" depend on how you want them to be and thats for sure.

6:04 pm  
Blogger thorswheels said...

Kipling had once written a poem titled "If"

10:08 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

if u had called me, i wud hav told u :)

3:52 am  
Blogger Jax said...

right said fred. nobody loves me. me neither. x(

1:12 pm  
Blogger madhavan said...

me.
i am for sure.
for sure i am for sure.

4:52 pm  
Blogger DJK said...

"If you tell the same lie way too often, you start believing in it yourself and forget that it’s a lie. And the lie becomes the truth."

So true :)

3:48 pm  

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Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Once upon a time, on an eerie hilltop stood a very unique tree.
The unique tree grew a very special fruit.
Now, the very unique and very special seed of this special fruit from the unique tree was created as a result of a world-shaking, goosebump-giving, gravity-defying chemical reaction.
“WOW”, said Einstein. What on earth could this wondrous reaction be?
It was a reaction that got the molecules the seed contained entangled in the most fundamental way.
So fundamental and so obvious that Einstein couldn’t figure it out.
He thought it must be a uber powerful force, more powerful than gravity that forces this kind of an entanglement, which is for some reason hindering the seed’s way to germination. Maybe the seed must find all its sister seeds and experience identical environmental influences simultaneously. This has not happened yet. There is just one tree with one fruit with one seed. Oops, error… was. The tree died. The fruit died. The seed died. And Einstein died.

Of course this is fiction. But there are certainly many strange scientific truths that are waiting to be discovered. Just wait and watch.

8 Comments:

Blogger anantha said...

Your first passage instantly reminded me of the first 25 seconds of this wanderful saang. :D

Now will go and read the rest!

7:36 pm  
Blogger Self Writeous said...

Pray can you enlighten us on that seed which responsible for this tree to come into existence in the first place.

11:41 pm  
Blogger chaos said...

when they invented mainframes, they thought world wouldn't need more than 5 of them... today there are more than 50 billion PCs... and the number is growing... few decades ago they said - every thing that's to be invented/ discovered has been done so... still new things come up... it's a continuous process of growth and change...

death is not the end... it's the beginning ... of a new life!

10:48 am  
Blogger The Budweiser said...

scientific truths? after U killed Einstein??? and thats not before U made him look silly with biology!!!

2:52 pm  
Blogger Sunrayz said...

Hi ! Thanks for dropping by 'my place' ma, soooo nice of you :)

6:45 pm  
Blogger GhostOfTomJoad said...

Hmm...when I was in school, I also had a tree like that. Although I'd planted it in a regular 12" pot, it had grown large enough for me to sit under its cool shade during the hot summer months and watch the world go by. Moreover, sitting under it was extremely therapeutic for me, never failing to calm my perpetually frayed nerves. For some reason, it had just the opposite effect on my friends, driving the quietest and most pious ones to debauchery so vile that even my teenaged brain would get scandalised. Anyway, I still remember the fateful afternoon that summer. It was exam time and, as usual, I was sitting under the tree and studying The Doctrine of Lapse. I clearly remember the fabulously intoxicating smell that my tree was exuding that day. And, oddly, I could also sense that I was more alert than usual that afternoon, grasping the rather boring concept with unfamiliar ease. It was really as though Lord Dalhousie had stepped out of the pages of the wretched book and explained every nuance of his harebrained policy himself. I have no recollection of dozing off but I do remember being dragged home, by the ear I might add, by my mother, who had never seemed as intimidating as she appeared then. That I was standing in the middle of the road, behaving like a policeman and regulating traffic when she found me, may have had something to do with the very serious threat of unprecedented violence I detected in her demeanour that day. The next thing I remember is being dunked, head first, into the refrigerator, which, expectedly, had a cooling effect on me. However, before I went to bed that night, I remember having this irresistible urge to visit the tree and to touch it once. Being of a rather weak mind, I gave in to the temptation and sneaked out. And, even though I’d had a wholesome dinner that night, I couldn’t stop myself from plucking a handful of leaves and stuffing them into my mouth. To cut the long story short, on the following day, I entered the examination hall with the kind of confidence that, in others, I have often described as obscene. Anyway, as I sat down and looked at the question paper, I could barely contain my joy because, for a change, I knew the answer to every question. With ill-concealed whoops of delight, which were quite unnecessary under the tense circumstances, I picked up my pen and was about to start writing when the image of the tree suddenly flashed before my eyes. I shook my head vigourously, to try and clear it, but when I looked up and around the class, I was horrified to find that the supervisor had disappeared. In her place, my potted tree was walking about, keeping a stern and watchful eye over the students. It was so strange that no one else had noticed this switch except me. But that’s because they’re all busy writing the test, I reasoned with myself. This, somehow, broke the spell and I was able to, finally, shift my gaze from the tree to the question paper. I decided to first tackle the question about the Doctrine of Lapse, which I knew like the back of my hand. But, as I started to write the answer, I realised that my hand-brain co-ordination was not working normally. While my brain was busy outlining the demerits of the thinly disguised annexation policy of the British, my hand was writing furiously about the inner conflicts and introspective attitude as revealed in Hamlet’s four soliloquies. Not only did I not know what I was writing, I was certain I had no idea who this Hamlet dude was. What I did know, however, was that I was doing something horribly wrong but I just couldn’t stop myself. A similar question on the Subsidiary Alliance was answered away by the lyrics of a Leonard Cohen song, which, if you haven’t already figured, had no connection with Lord Wellesley’s policy. Each time I looked up from my answer sheet, I found the tree looking at me and trying hard to suppress an evil grin. This continued for three excruciating hours, during which time I wrote about everything except what was relevant. The result was a foregone conclusion and when it was announced, it seemed to confirm what everyone had come to suspect: that I was either on drugs or an imbecile. Or, both! This was way too much for my pride and, as months of pent up frustration and anger burst forth, I rushed to my courtyard and smashed the pot to bits. Then, I dragged the wretched tree as far away from civilisation as I possibly could and buried it six feet under. Deep and thoughtful analysis of the issue led me to conclude that everything that was wrong with my life owed itself to the evil influence of the tree. As soon as this realisation set in, I got rid of all the plants in my house and had the garden area concretised. Once bitten and all that, after all. Now I don’t allow anything green into my house and it’s been years, in fact, since I even ate any green veggies. It’s been years, I guess, since I’ve been me. *Sigh* Therefore the moral of the story is: Beware of trees...they really bite!

5:42 pm  
Blogger karmic said...

Nice post. Science has indeed lot of places to go. Unless you are GW Bush then it's all about faith and everything is still under doubt like global wraming. :-)
I have a blog too, comments flames are very welcome. :-)

6:09 pm  
Blogger Arthur Quiller Couch said...

Maybe I shouldn't venture an opinion - I may not be part of your target audience.
But it did occur to me that you might be a little less cryptic / mystic / tantric. And a little more kind to plain Joes like me.

3:30 pm  

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