Thursday, March 31, 2005

Every time I close my eyes, I wake up screaming. A silent scream. Silent cause nobody really understands what I feel. How an incident has shaken me up. And I don’t want them to think I’m over-reacting.

I hate fast lanes. Speed. Loss of control. Terror. Blood. Pain. Sympathy. And more importantly, the mark an accident leaves behind.

I’m happy to be alive. I feel as if I was meant to do something before I die. I feel like nothing’s changed. I feel closer to my family than ever before. I feel like talking to every one I know, more than I ever did before. I wanna feel good. Not just because I want to, cause I deserve to!

But there’s just this one little thing that worries my head… is there a lesson I’m supposed to learn from this episode?

19 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

atleast you arent bored anymore

3:00 pm  
Blogger Elixir said...

hey J, missd u babes. and bout da post...warmest hugs. Dont really know da context but it brought me a smile. life is truely a celebration sweetz, we deserve to treasure it!!!!

4:45 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

u seem really really "seen all".. i sorta got harrowed by the color of death Post.. :|

5:47 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Back with a bang, meant literaly.

5:53 pm  
Blogger arvindiyer said...

Ahhhh I know how it feels...(refer last post of mine) good to know u are ok..and well the only lesson to be learnt from this is DO NOT THINK BOUT IT AGAIN...take it easy on urself bebey!!! Peace

8:54 pm  
Blogger Fist said...

In a word, "probably not".

(Unless the lesson is that Fist can't count.)

12:15 am  
Blogger gvenum said...

>>is there a lesson I’m supposed to learn from this episode?

Yeah there is. You should visit other blogs more often preferbly mine and leave comments on it.

Glad you are feeling good.

2:58 am  
Blogger Rapunzel said...

i know what you mean exactly.every word, i know.

12:10 pm  
Blogger J said...

Anon ~ Yeah rite! at least not now.

Elixir ~ i missed u toooooooooo! :) *hugs*

Jane ~ i just hope u dont "see it all"... i've been lucky to be alive! :-I

Deja vu ~ Yesss!

AI ~ yup, i'm ok... tum jo ho ;)
But i dont think i'll be able to say away from the thinking part. Thats the way i am.

Fist ~ lol, wotever.

Gvenum ~ Sure thing! Wont miss that space now that i'm invited ;)

Rapz ~ i know :)))))

3:47 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Can I say Im glad for U?

7:12 pm  
Blogger ..:: J ::.. said...

i see we share the same alias.. just thought id drop by and say hello :)

9:17 pm  
Blogger manuscrypts said...

yup definitely, but only u know it.. maybe not now, but i am sure you will, sooner or later...

1:45 pm  
Blogger Nimbus said...

Just dropped in from someplace, not sure where. (gvenum's maybe?) Nice place you have here. Glad you're better now!

2:27 pm  
Blogger J said...

MwnN ~ Hey thats choo chweeeet... i know u hate it :-p

J ~ Hey! A big HI to u too! :)

Manucrypts ~ Yup rite. And i think i know :)

Megha ~ Hey thanks! :)

4:43 pm  
Blogger Elixir said...

hey babes...thought wud drop in a hi *wink*

1:05 am  
Blogger j said...

er, technically you're the third J...

:-)

This is getting confusing.

The other J.

6:26 am  
Blogger ..:: J ::.. said...

hmm.. i guess that makes the "One".. B)

9:47 am  
Blogger ..:: J ::.. said...

i mean that makes me the "one" lol...

11:17 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

:)

3:35 pm  

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Thursday, March 24, 2005

I must be awfully bored... i took another test!

Which colour of Death is yours?

HASH(0x8e73490)
BLACK


What Color is Your Heart?

Info Black
Your Heart is Black

7 Comments:

Blogger manuscrypts said...

yup, i second the bored bit ...lol

6:50 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

U could hv come out with me instead

7:21 pm  
Blogger arvindiyer said...

hehehehe...Ahhh well actually i havent missed much...came here after a while and expected tons to read, these tests i'll know when i meet u in person;) how have u been? Buried with tons of work here.Damn...just two more days and then am freeeeeeeeeee!!!!
Blog meet happenin this weekend, joinin me for some coffee & SUndal?

7:57 am  
Blogger The Bard said...

i m so damn bored!!! but m bored of tests too wat to do. took 2 tests from som othr blog. but nw m sooo bored!
i think its da xam season gettin to me :( !!

8:44 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

J - list seems to be impressive,

Shud be soon in touch with u like it used to be !

- Lax

4:09 pm  
Blogger Elixir said...

i cud have sworn id left acomment here.
neways i was saying...obviously ur shit bored, the results of the test r skewed.
missing u J, come bak 2 blogging

3:22 pm  
Blogger J said...

Manuscrypts ~ :)

Anon ~ y didnt u call me?

AI ~ coffee n sundal? Maybe sometime when u hit Bangy ;)

La Devil ~ Yeah rite! No more tests!

Lax ~ Do that!

Elixir ~ I'm back babe!

2:14 pm  

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<< Home

The list comes effortlessly.

dead poets
mauve skies
green grass
dewy leaves
burning sun
rocks
fast cars
uncomfortable beds
bathtubs
warm waters
crisp white sheets
closed doors
black clothes
you
deep blue eyes
restless hands
luscious lips
entwined muscles
earlobes
horizontal movements
wet hair
heavy breathing
quivering fingers
naked feet
ropes
whips
evil laugh
husky voices
death
joy
rhythm
body language
words
vibrating washing machines
unexplicit joy
the missing parts
the emptyness
loneliness


Do you know what I’m thinking about?

4 Comments:

Blogger Vignesh said...

Yes. I do.

1:32 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I do!!!

1:36 pm  
Blogger Rapunzel said...

ummmmmm......

1:28 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

oh jus another morning in ur life..

7:05 pm  

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Wednesday, March 23, 2005

Which Alcoholic Drink Am I?

Vodka
Vodka

5 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

heyy send me this one!:) and why no mails still?!:-/

12:02 pm  
Blogger J said...

try Quizilla!
i dont have ur email id dearie!!! :(

12:04 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Vodka is my fav drink!

12:07 pm  
Blogger J said...

Me tooooooooooooooooooo!

1:32 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I prefer Beer.. Vodka is too sissy!

3:57 pm  

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Tuesday, March 22, 2005

Which kind of candy am I?

I took yet another test (yup I was BORED, waiting) and this is the result...

bub
You're bubblegum!!! You love to have a good time,
and enjoy being around others who feel the same
way. You tend to be the life of the party, and
people like to be around you as much as they
can.

i just LOVE tests!!!

7 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I want to know waht kind of candy i am! give link! And thanks for that thing about the graphic...tho i did nothing to make it appear...

11:45 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

errr... don't U think U're chewing Ur positivity thingie a bit too much???

9:45 am  
Blogger J said...

u got a problem with that sweetheart? Want me to rub some on to u? :-p

9:50 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Me 2 Me 2!!!!!! ive done almost every test in emode:)..And heyy u never told me where u work!?

10:55 am  
Blogger Rapunzel said...

heh!same pinch. same thing i dos too when i is bored:-D didcha know i am the purrfeck galfrend??*hint**hint*

11:00 am  
Blogger J said...

Judy baby!!!
where do i work? its a secret! hehe. will tell u over e-mails ok? :)

Rapz!!!
i jus realised i can actually get along pretty well with gals. They r far more bitchy, have a better iq n dont have hairy hands too! ;)

11:14 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I luv bubblegums too

12:08 pm  

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Like the desert misses the rain.

I miss driving around at night, at day.
Really fast. Almost rash.
But I can’t drive!!!
Still, I miss it.

I miss listening to my music really loud and singing along at the top of my voice.
I realised there’s no point doing it.
No one can listen to me.
But I miss that all the same.

I miss those days at school.
The days of total freedom.
When nobody really cared what I was upto.
And I managed to get into trouble even without doing anything.

I miss the wind blowing on my face.
I miss writing in my diary.
I miss being a loner.
I miss being alone.

I miss me.
I miss you.

Like the desert misses the rain.

12 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

New blogskin New look New you is it?

5:29 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

5:31 pm  
Blogger Fist said...

Like the desert misses the rain, isn't that a line from a pop song?

5:31 pm  
Blogger Fist said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

5:40 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

whos the mystery man?

5:40 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

5:40 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

5:40 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

SPAM!

6:01 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I presume the deleted comments had nothing to do with Fist or Deja vu threteninig to kill the already dead curt kobain or the non existent mystery man.

.:.
guess who

6:09 pm  
Blogger J said...

hehehe...
Anon ~ u r rite! But i'm still guessing!!! Ever heard that stuff... curiousity killed the cat :(

9:52 am  
Blogger . : A : . said...

"I miss me.
I miss you."

Very interesting thoughts.

12:02 pm  
Blogger J said...

A ~ Yeah? If thats a compliment... thank u! :)

2:15 pm  

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Monday, March 21, 2005

I’ve painted myself out of the corner
Now I can run without bothering about the tracks I leave behind
Without bothering if the cracks are beginning to show
Or if I am the one to blame

This is a great phase in my life

Everything is finally falling in place
My folks seem to have understood that it’s best to let go
People who matter seem to have figured that the best thing to do is admire a bird sitting in a bush, rather than trying to cage it

Suddenly, I seem to be getting closer to where I want to be
It almost feels like falling from a cliff and landing on my feet
It’s like a tattoo coming to life
It’s like a multi-hued shadow
It’s like gaining renewed interest in a game you’ve stopped playing
It’s like sustaining damage control

The best part is the I have no clue what’s in store for me tomorrow
And I love that

Maybe things ain’t all that great
But I just don’t care about it anymore

:-)

14 Comments:

Blogger j said...

That's it--embrace the unexpected. Just wear gloves...

12:49 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Life is a jigsaw puzzle; solve it.

12:59 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

How do you manage to swing back and forth like this?

1:53 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You really think anybody knows wats in store? some jus pretend they do! Glad ur enjoying the journey:)

3:05 pm  
Blogger arvindiyer said...

I finished packin..where do I meet up with u? :)

3:43 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Perhaps we need to learn from U, on how to look at things positively.. good luck!

5:00 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Bt I think U stil hv ur fingers crossd?

5:22 pm  
Blogger manuscrypts said...

stop analysing, enjoy the game this time around ...

5:25 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ill tell Ur dad to read up Ur blog and spoil Ur plans
:-D

5:48 pm  
Blogger J said...

J ~ Yup!

God ~ Its all in place!!!

Déjà vu ~ That’s me!

Judy ~ Yeah rite. Nobody knows.

AI ~ Where do u want me to come? ;)

MwnN ~ Thank u! I'm sure u can do it too! :)

Anon ~ Who in the world is this?

Manuscrypts ~ ur rite!

Anon 2 ~ Sure! Go on, tell him :-p Btw, who IS this???

Fist ~ Yeah! :)

10:22 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Guess

5:54 pm  
Blogger Vignesh said...

Good on yer matie !!!

1:48 pm  
Blogger . : A : . said...

Really liked the beginning,

" I’ve painted myself out of the corner
Now I can run without bothering about the tracks I leave behind
Without bothering if the cracks are beginning to show
Or if I am the one to blame"

12:01 pm  
Blogger J said...

Vig ~ :-?

A ~ :)

2:17 pm  

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Friday, March 18, 2005

Sometimes I feel like I can't think, breathe or even live
As if my memory has undergone evisceration
As if I’m lying down in the shack
Wrapped around by windows
Listening to the sound of darkness
The clocks have stopped ticking
The hands have frozen to death
An overdose of peace
Serenity has an inherent insurrection
Eternal evanescence
Slowly juggling deep slumber and insomnia
Rudely awakened
I think a lot
About me
About this world
And I cry
I’ve lost my tears of joy.

2 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sounds like a bundle of contradictions and complexities.

3:37 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

been there,done that, felt that, cried so...!!

8:52 pm  

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Thursday, March 17, 2005

I've run short of an outlet.
A flesh ‘n’ blood sounding board.
One that sticks so my dreams become bitterly opinionated and lewd.
I feel like my pillow's done up with peanut butter so when I wake up everything's awfully sticky.
I’d rather have jam smothered all over me with two crusts of comfort and change, on either side.
So every time I take a bite, the proportions are small enough to swallow.
And I want a safe pair of hands to catch the dribbles before they dirty the whole place.
I don’t want to leave stains.

5 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

After five, i dont get metaphors... just hungry:(

5:08 pm  
Blogger arvindiyer said...

OK..Surf excel hai na?
*runs for cover*

5:12 pm  
Blogger El Goofydom said...

i didn't really understand what u were getting at...but as soon as food made its entry i really stopped thinking...n u were totally making sense!!!
...may i say...neat post

5:45 pm  
Blogger Vignesh said...

I wish I could speak in metaphors as beautifully expressive as those. Its sad that I cannot. Maybe then I could tell you much better, without having to sound like I'm TRYING to make conversation, how I really feel ;)

10:56 am  
Blogger J said...

Succubus ~ Hungry kya? :-p

Judy ~ hehe… that happens to me every weekend, I go brain-dead!

AI ~ Lekin kapde dhone ke liya pati nahin hai na?

Goofy ~ neither did I! :-p

11:38 am  

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Wednesday, March 16, 2005

I wake up
And think about you
I sit next to you sleeping
And think about you
I run my fingers through your hair
And think about you
I kiss you awake
And think about you
I see something
And think about you
I feel dizzy and sick but I keep thinking about you and that something
You look at me with those deep quiet eyes
You fall asleep and I think about how much you mean to me.
I fall asleep too.
:-)

10 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Mush?

3:54 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Is that you?

5:23 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sleeping pills are available dime a dozen.. do U have to go through all that to fall asleep????!!!!!!

Phew!!!!!! tough life!!!

5:42 pm  
Blogger Elixir said...

lol@ MwnN
yeah it does happen...da thinking bout u phase...
HEYYYY its kinda along da lines o thinking o u!!!
man talk of parallel lives :P ;)

10:11 pm  
Blogger The God Of Tall Things said...

I feel dizzy and sick but I keep thinking about you....

or is it

I feel dizzy and sick because I keep thinking about you....

:)

10:45 pm  
Blogger arvindiyer said...

Heheheheh....@ The GOD!!!AMEN>
Good nite?

P:S and well bout ur previous post...welcome to the crazy world...I SOOOOOOO KNow how that feels...ehhehe..Gr8 read But!! Cheers

10:50 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

hehee..serious?!

10:54 am  
Blogger Vignesh said...

Ahh... the creative outburts that come out of mind altering drugs and booze... God bless those things !

11:02 am  
Blogger J said...

Anon ~ just fuck off will ya?

Déjà vu ~ Ditto

MwnN ~ yeah I know when sleeping pills help.

Elixir ~ I have no clue what u r talking about! :(

The god of wotever ~ no it isnt!

AI ~ Cheers to u too.

Judy ~ yup bloody serious.

Vignesh ~ wotever u said jus went swoosh!

Why in the world is everybody finding this funny???? :-I

12:51 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

If half the time, ppl dont undertsand half the things u say ...

:-)

A

3:31 pm  

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Tuesday, March 15, 2005

Beats me!

I spend quite a while writing stuff like this………………

Presenting a playful act of the forces of nature dressed in their true elements.

The moody cloud sheds its skin effortlessly, transforming from a dense smoky hued mass to a light dull grey fragment.

The dethroned sun plays truant, succumbing to the omnipresent cloud, successful in shattering its ego.

The progressive raindrops join hands together as they descend from the clouds, playing a dramatic catalyst to downcast moods.

The muddy puddles, finding its origin from obstinate raindrops; force its way to cleansing the thirsty earth.

An exciting cameo by the deafening thunderclap and shimmering lightening, romancing each other, kills the dampened melancholy.

The multicast monsoon atmosphere is a treat to the onlooker, an inspiration to an artist, and a backdrop for creating a piece of art.

Inspired by the rainy season, “The Monsoon Collection” romances with the clouds, dances on wet earth, plays hide-n-seek with lightening and thunder, and gives the sun a phobia.

Only to get rejected by the bloody f*&^ing client.
And then I spend 5 minutes to write some poetry like this for that woman’s day thingie……………………………


She showers you with unconditional love, more than you can ask for.
She’s a mother.

She keeps you awake all night and still manages to be the apple of your eye.
She’s a daughter.

She’s always there to support you, in your highs and lows.
She’s a friend.

She’s the multi-personality who makes this world a better place to live in.
She’s a woman.

And everybody who reads it says, WOW, J that’s awesome! :-(((

8 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

lol...i know EXACTLY wat that feels like! has happened one time too many!:))

12:27 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

WOW, J that’s awesome!

1:11 pm  
Blogger J said...

Judy Baby! When do we get to kick these clients' asses?

MwnN....... shuddup!
Now where's all that mush coming from? :-p

1:30 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

obviously from U.. I mean from Ur blog ;)

1:57 pm  
Blogger J said...

MwnN, u started it first remember? ;)
And yeah, go on post something crappy about Kurt Cobain n Robbie Williams n Bono n George Clooney n R (u know which one rite? ;)

2:07 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I started it??? "WOW, J that’s awesome!" did I write this???

and Y wud I crap abt U2, or Take That, or Nirvana? they are my favs too?

I think U need some sleep, J.. its not hard if U let go.. serious..

;)

2:36 pm  
Blogger J said...

Hello There (pun intended :-p)

U started the mush!

I didn’t start the “WOW, J that’s awesome” either.

And Robbie Williams is NOT = Take That. Remember there was Gary Barlow in it n a few more sissy-looking duds.

And YOU said that Kurt Cobain sucks, n give ur blog a competition (not the content, i mean the url)

I need sleep? The last time I slept well is BEFORE I fell in u-know-wot ;)

2:56 pm  
Blogger Vignesh said...

Hmmm... I really can't think of much to say. I could say something like yeah, that happens to me too... but that really wouldnt make a big impact... or I could tell you what a great writer you are... but then again, I guess others already have... so what do I have left to say ? Except maybe...

10:39 pm  

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Monday, March 14, 2005

Waking up from a dream gives me the strangest sensations I’ve ever known.
But it’s something very close to reality.
I wake up with fragmented memories scattered all around, trying to make sense of them, put them together, but there are a few missing pieces.
Maybe none of it means anything.
It’s just pieces of my subconscious floating about and working together.
I wonder if dreams really serve a true function?
Do dreams have some cosmic meaning attached to them?
Something that will explain why we are here?
In that case, the last thing dreams should do is making us feel lost.

Take this one for example...

Dimly lit room. Classroom. I try to focus on the blackboard. My vision blurs. The dial on the radio starts to spin. I see peculiar fantasies smudged in the chalk. Figures with no name. No home. No dreams. I’m trapped in the feathers of my pillow. Flightless but raising in the secret passageways of the kindergarten. I hear something humming. Just outside my window. A blow through my hair. A whisper into my ears. It’s a song I've always known. Like words written on the seashore washed away by the waves.
Any dream interpreters out here?

7 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Interpret this dream

It says your mind is as warped as your blog can get

2:57 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Do U remember Ur dreams? I rarely do these days.. only the half nude girls stick around, U see ;)

3:28 pm  
Blogger Vignesh said...

Hmm.. I remember this dumb ad once.. this guy with a cocky smile... "Dreaming about me ?" kinda dialogue... hmmmm...

Anyways... your dream tells me that you had a very blurry classroom education. You get trapped by very fragile things. You are a voyeur. You like the beach. There, that was your dream ;)

4:36 pm  
Blogger J said...

Déjà vu ~ Like I didn’t know that! :-p

MwnN ~ Me too. I mean I remember just parts of it n try making a story out of it later when I’m day dreaming. And this wasn’t one of my dreams. Thank God, I don’t have any semi-nude gals dancing in my dreams ;)

Vignesh ~ Dreaming abt me? ;)

5:12 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

u thanked me?

5:32 pm  
Blogger arvindiyer said...

"A dream of being in school or havin a classroom suggests that your reluctance to break old associations is retarding your progress; to dream of leaving school or of seeing a school from the outside predicts a sudden stroke of money luck, but don't go wild; it will be transitory."

12:08 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

some dreams i believe, do mean something... classrooms in my dreams have always meant a time of learning.....life lessons??

5:13 pm  

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Friday, March 11, 2005

Tie me to the mast; let me feel the salt in the sea.
Strap me to the rocket; let me pick the stars with my teeth.
Bait me on the hook; let me be bit till I'm numb.
I want to feel something that I never have.
Something that makes me cry.
Maybe I'll do it.
But with a pen.

7 Comments:

Blogger Vignesh said...

Can I come with you ? Can you do that to me ? With me ?

9:05 pm  
Blogger J said...

Vignesh I say it best when I say nothing at all ;)

Jack SparrowSure thing. I love pirates!

10:51 am  
Blogger The Bard said...

something that makes u cry!!??!!

what's wrong? hope evrything's alright though it doesnt seem to be.

1:46 pm  
Blogger arvindiyer said...

Hmmmmmm well I could get HANDCUFFS>..will that do? and a Whip!!!
Take care!!

10:05 am  
Blogger arvindiyer said...

HAHAHAHA....Hey Jack (cap'n') There was not a single dirty thought in the comment..and I see u haven't got the meanin of the comment...take it easy dude and Chill...The lady AM sure is not upset with my comment...
peace off

10:59 am  
Blogger Fist said...

You write with a pen?

3:25 pm  
Blogger J said...

La devil ~ Everything’s ok, but not ok :) Thanks for asking!

Lean Dude ~ Wot do u think I am? Dominatrix? :-p

J. Sparrow ~ Take a chill pill. Arvindiyer thinks I have a body guard in here. And I told him, YES I do :)

Fist ~ Hehe, in my mind... yes.

5:19 pm  

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Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me, Kill Me

I believe in new beginnings
Living as if there’s no past to regret
No future to live for
Today is all that I have
But even today’s not truly mine
Just 1886 days to go!
And I live to die.

2 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I thought you had stopped counting

10:25 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You don't know how you took it
You just know what you got
Oh Lordy you've been stealing
From the theives and you got caught
In the headlights
Of a stretch car
You're a star

Dressing like your sister
Living like a tart
They don't know what you're doing
Babe, it must be art
You're a headache
In a suitcase
You're a star

Oh no, don't be shy
You don't have to go blind
Hold me, thrill me, kiss me, kill me

You don't know how you got here
You just know you want out
Believing in yourself
Almost as much as you doubt
You're a big smash
You wear it like a rash
Star

Oh no, don't be shy
There's a crowd to cry
Hold me, thrill me, kiss me, kill me

They want you to be Jesus
They'll go down on one knee
But they'll want their money back
If you're alive at thirty-three
And you're turning tricks
With your crucifix
You're a star

(Oh child)

Of course you're not shy
You don't have to deny love
Hold me, thrill me, kiss me, kill me

2:21 pm  

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Thursday, March 10, 2005

Blah Blah Blue

Endlessness. Hate it. Breaking through walls. I have to stop and feel it.

Every time I look up I see an illusion as rough as sandpaper. Then I fall back to sleep, killing time with paced breathing and tangled sheets.

It’s like the taste of imprisonment in a can of cat food with the whisper of violins in the background and voices of people passing, trying to reach out to me.

My brain’s zipped up. Unreachable like a lost signal.
It’s like I’m headed off for the dark room again to process my life into a game of pictionary that has no right or wrong answer.

My eyes have turned to ice-cubes, isolated on the ice berg.
It’s good being that way.
Let's me be in control. Handle good things, screw ups and life in general.

I’m waiting. For my thoughts to be misunderstood. For my words to be interpreted. Blame it on artistic licence instead of incomprehensible irrationality.

12 Comments:

Blogger j said...

Maybe the luxury of being introspective means that external things are going okay...?

J.

1:52 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I go DUH again

2:57 pm  
Blogger Vignesh said...

I am f8cking speechless !! And you know why...

Isn't blogging fun when you can blame such stuff on art ? Reeling my head around like this, with such polar opposites is not fun.

And you say you are upto to no evil ! Shame on you :))

3:44 pm  
Blogger J said...

J ~ Well, maybe, maybe not. But I don’t think too much these days. So I guess things ARE ok.

Déjà vu ~ I give up!

Vignesh ~ Speechless? Maybe I know y. but I dunno if I’m thinking wot u r thinking. But then u aint as evil as me rite? So go on and explain....... don’t add this to ur list of hanging stuff! ;)

5:33 pm  
Blogger Fist said...

At least you write well.

6:21 pm  
Blogger J said...

Fist!!!
:-O
wtf? wot do u mean 'AT LEAST write well'??? as if i'm a real loser in life?

6:27 pm  
Blogger J said...

Oh ok, I get it...no... I’m havin a gr8888888888 time... all this is pure fabrication! :-p

6:39 pm  
Blogger Fist said...

Cool.

6:42 pm  
Blogger manuscrypts said...

fictional blues??

7:54 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

my list of hanging stuff... now now dearie... thats a bit too fast dont you think ?!?! ;)

10:42 pm  
Blogger Vignesh said...

That was me.. blogger is fubared.

10:43 pm  
Blogger J said...

Manuscrypts ~ not fictional blues... I was just being sarcastic.

Vignesh ~ Ok fine. No list then. u dont really have to add in a comment to say Anon was u... i know :)

10:03 am  

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Wednesday, March 09, 2005

E-M-P-T-Y

Something has left me
Maybe it’s something that’s not so inanimate as someone
But I don’t know where it went
It’s as if it fell off my hands
Just fell
Why am I not looking for that?
Isn’t it obvious to look for something you lose
Maybe not, if the thing’s lost you
I’m empty

But now that I’ve found what I’m looking for
I want to hold on and stop everything from sinking
Even if things are not around
Even in the night
Even when I could be helpless
Even when I could be lonely
Even in the day when everything's complex
Even if there's nothing simple
Even if I’m empty

10 Comments:

Blogger j said...

Methinks you could put this to music, J.--maybe Robbie Williams and a retro beat could make you a few bucks on it...

Seriously, though--you've got a pretty big following these days--so just bask in it for a while.

J.

12:34 pm  
Blogger The Bard said...

u have lost it totally :p

12:35 pm  
Blogger J said...

J ~ I’m already humming a tune! :)

Devil ~ Yup. There was a hole in my soul :-p

12:45 pm  
Blogger Rapunzel said...

never take angst aka emptiness seriously gal. cos nature abhors a vacuum n will therefore fill itself up to the brim with the first thing that usually comes along. and that 1st thing is, most often as not, a bucket of shit:-|

4:13 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

never look for something uve lost.never.

5:12 pm  
Blogger Unknown said...

Hey J..
wassup..how u doin....
I will mail u...

Yo Venks.

8:37 pm  
Blogger arvindiyer said...

When future is rite in fron of us...with such fantastic offers...why would u even bother thinkin(searchin) bout something that u lost in the past? Really not worth it...
and well if u put this to music..It won't work out...there has to be more rhythm...next time maybe!!!

P:S and wat's with u and Judy discussin me for? heheheheh

10:16 pm  
Blogger Elixir said...

:) ditto
reminds me o "the Ghost"

12:19 am  
Blogger Vignesh said...

Wow... thats like... sooo different !! Who are you ? Really !?!?!

10:34 am  
Blogger J said...

Judy, Yeah rite… let the lost thing look for me :-p

Venks... I missed u soooooo much! Where in the world is Gothenburg?

Arvindiyer, ask Judy! Its her part of da bargain ;)

Elixir, Ghost? As in the movie Ghost? :)

Vignesh, I dunno! Really!!! :-I

12:56 pm  

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Tuesday, March 08, 2005

My life’s changing everyday and in every possible way
But what remains the same are my dreams
Or at least so it seems
And nothing ever is just the way it seems
Cause if it does, its an illusion
Just the way reality is a delusion
It’s strange, but I know I’ve felt like this before
Now I'm feeling it even more
And my totally amazing mind doesn’t stop thinking
Something down there tells me that I must figure out the whys, whens and hows
Then I open up and see
I want more and that’s impossible to ignore
Wish they'd come true cause its impossible not to do
Maybe it’s all because I’m a dream to me

7 Comments:

Blogger arvindiyer said...

All of us realise one thing or the other with each passing day. It is a revelation of sorts...and don't worry bout the itch...don't worry bout the pangs of anxiety that arises...all u need to do is just....
DREAM ON....DREAM ON!~~~

2:24 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

They may say I'm a dreamer

But I'm not the only one

2:51 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

errrr... John Lennon said that...

3:29 pm  
Blogger Vignesh said...

We will always want to find out the whys and whats. When do we stop ? The idea of who you are to yourself is something that I constantly wonder about - should it change or should it always remain constant ?

10:49 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Its never constant Vignesh - believe me - you are always improving and getting new concepts.

3:12 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Btw...the 'lean dude' u were askin abt is arvind iyer's alter ego:)

9:57 am  
Blogger J said...

Well people… I guess this was just one of my notes to myself. And my mind’s gone blank on that note.

PS: Judy, yo baby!

12:12 pm  

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Monday, March 07, 2005

This is a dedication to all the strangers in the world!

I hate a whole lota people. I hate them so much that I could kill them right now. But the best part is that in a while, when my mood swings to the other pole, I’m ready to kiss and make up.

Sheeeeeeeeeeeeesh, is this how un-wicked I can be?

What’s gonna happen to that evil black ring I wear on my left thumb? And all the stories I made up about me casting a black magic spell on anybody who dares to say NO to me? (People are always saying YES anyways… *shy smile*)

{Oh sorry, but I must go off the track and tell you about this story I invented… One fine morning, at around 4 am, I was trying to channelise the positivity across my chakras, when my forehead itched. My third eye opened. And a thick jet black ring fell onto my palms out of no where. That’s the ‘black magic’ ring I was referring to. And this dud I told all this to…………… believed me! Mwwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah A, I love you!}

On a more serious tone… actually wickeder… there is someone I hate, really hate! Well, there are like more than one ‘someone’. And I wouldn’t mind killing them. WOW, that makes me wicked!

Why do I hate these people?

The only ambition of these folks is to get on my nerves. Yeah in spite of me always being “in control”, “blow pink” and all that sh*t… they manage to do it. The best part is that the last thing they wanna do is piss me off!

I can’t stand stupid people. Sensitive people. People with fake smiles and attitudes. People who look at you with big round eyes. People who are related to me… I’m talking about blood relations. People who do things just for the sake of doing it. Losers. And I whole lota stuff actually… I like very few people.

Hmm… yup. I like very few people. I like people I haven’t met.

Somebody said... HATE is a very strong word to use. For me, its only hate or love. Nothing in between.

10 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

u hate me? :-(

3:28 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

eeks.. J, watch out.. God sounds like a blood relation.. get Ur wicked rings and things into Ur bag, and get the hell outta here..

( I think I just pictured U stuffing things into a tattered black coloured bag, looking like being attacked by a godzilla, and getting the hell outta there.. )

hahhahahahha..

boy! I can laugh for my own joke.. hahhaahaaaa

3:54 pm  
Blogger J said...

God ~ Yup! G2H... thats go to heaven... hell is a cool place :-p

MwnN ~ hehe... i feel giggly too. But it cant be ME in that picture ok? Wait till i put a really bad spell on ya.

4:03 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Love & Hate r relative terms.

5:49 pm  
Blogger manuscrypts said...

*gulp* for me there is fear too ..

7:56 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Aw yeah! You jus said it all sweetie! Phoneys need to be hanged!:x
And yea there aint nuthin between love n hate:))

11:15 am  
Blogger J said...

Déjà vu ~ Yeah? like i care.
Manuscrypts ~ *rubs hands in glee* i like u! :-p
Judy ~ Babe, gimme a hi five!

11:38 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Why do you always say that? Can't you be nice for a change?

1:32 pm  
Blogger arvindiyer said...

Ahhhh if this is a dedication...Am thinkin wat it would be like if it was a threat..*gulp* hehehe
Oh well me plannin to shoot a movie...THE RING 2 (black ring on the finger) hehehehhe

2:22 pm  
Blogger J said...

arvindiyer ~ The Ring 2??? Can I do the scripting plzzzzzzzzzz

9:38 am  

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Friday, March 04, 2005

I was crying last night.

And mom saw me.
I shouted back at her. There was no fault of hers though.
I always do that.
I hate it when people find me in a vulnerable state.
Even family.
Even mom.
What she didn’t know was that I cry very often.
And every time I tell myself… J, this is the last time you are crying! And I stop. Wipe my tears. Pick up the phone or listen to my favourite song.
Sometimes, I just go on… because I want to.
I have no one to console me. I wish I did. There are a whole of jerks who’ll just give a big hug n say a few sweet words. But that’s not what I’m looking for.
There’s this other bunch of guys who’d just wonder… wtf is wrong with her. What is she crying about? You know the type of people who say whatever I do/say goes OTT.
And there’s another type… that’s the one I’m looking for! ;)

11 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Can I get you a box of tissues?

3:22 pm  
Blogger manuscrypts said...

very clear messages, i say ...:)

4:02 pm  
Blogger Vignesh said...

Yes, I would like to think that you have.

4:09 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

some are strong and some are weak.. U have Ur limits, but U wanna stretch them.. try and act within limitations and learn to accept others and the love they give to U.. don't refuse it.. U don't have to repay it back..

and Im studying to be a preacher someday.. no need to attend my sermon, U've already had an overdose of it anyway ;)

4:31 pm  
Blogger J said...

God ~ can I have tears of joy instead?

Manuscrypts ~ wot message didja get?

Viggs ~ me too :-(

MwnN ~ Thanks for all that advice. No seriously. :-) It matters to me... at least today. i know who to call next time i land up crying :-p

4:47 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

you can have all that you ask for. even me *wink*

5:09 pm  
Blogger J said...

r u wot i'm looking for?

5:19 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You wouldnt know till you check me out.

6:18 pm  
Blogger Fist said...

Fists are another type again.

7:54 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

*grinning ear to ear* gee..somebody guessed rite..i often say my mind is warped! glad im not alone!:)

11:54 am  
Blogger J said...

God ~ Ya rite!

Fist ~ ;)

Judy ~ Same pinch! :)

1:07 pm  

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Thursday, March 03, 2005

Untitled

A layer of dust is visible. Normally, unnoticeable. Unobscured by the rays of the sun. It looks far from cheerful now. Wrapped up with a blanket of dull grey grime. The rays look like vapid, lifeless, thoughtfully depressed lights. They weren’t even glowing. But still, there was life around. It gave the idea that there was some sort of an activity happening. As if it were a loner people with a strong zest for activity didn’t have an accomplice. Mops went swish-swoosh. From corner to corner. High-flying clouds of dust settled quietly, not far from its point of origin.

The windows were shut.

End of the inactivity.

5 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Nice Post"
"Me first"
"ohhh... that was soo cool..."
"Ah! Nicely Written"
"Ooooohhhh....aaaaahhhhh"
Oops! I've got an orgasm!!!!

4:29 pm  
Blogger J said...

hehe... Mwwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

4:52 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

WTH?

6:29 pm  
Blogger j said...

J....

You seem to have a soul...

But I thought you worked in advertising...

:-)

-the other j.

1:08 pm  
Blogger J said...

Yeah i havent got into soul-selling as yet!

3:43 pm  

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Wednesday, March 02, 2005

It’s a sin.

It’s a sin to write.
It’s a sin to put it down in for others to see.
It’s a sin to speak to yourself hoping for others to listen.
It’s a sin to think words no one else thinks
It’s a sin to think when you know there’s no transgression.
It’s a sin to think alone especially when it’s blacker than black.
It’s a sin to break laws.

And there’s punishment waiting for you.
This crime here has no name.
What is the punishment?
I don’t know till it’s discovered

But this is not the only sin.

May I be forgiven!

7 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Amen!

7:56 pm  
Blogger Vignesh said...

No.
No.
No. The only problem is if you speak to yourself all the time, you might not hear me listening.
No. Most definitely not.
No.
No. Black is good.
No. Well, depends on what laws. But not the laws that you are refering to.

10:00 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

who is punishing you? Is it physical pain or mental anguish?

9:47 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

have U heard "its a sin" by the Pet Shop Boys?

11:20 am  
Blogger J said...

God ~ Thank u for everything. Can I have that cute guy on top too? plzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Viggy ~ Yes. Yes. Yes. Says the world. R u outa the world? ;)

Déjà vu ~ Both gimme a high!

MwnN ~ Yup. I have :)

12:59 pm  
Blogger manuscrypts said...

only if you sin can u be forgive, so its cool to sin.. :)... sinking feeling...hmm

2:52 pm  
Blogger Vignesh said...

Oh, didn't know you... I am !! All the way outta this world ;)

4:19 pm  

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Tuesday, March 01, 2005

The sky above looked like a colour television tuned to a dead channel.

No. My post has nothing to do with TVs or nature or death.
It’s about feeling at home with strangers.
Yeah, I can be quite a socialite, if I wanna be. But I guess workplace is not the right place to sharpen my already sharp skills. I mean it ok with me. But when tongues start wagging. I don’t really care, but ... hehe … even if I do, it was all worth the fun. And nothing else matters.


So close, no matter how far
Couldn't be much more from the heart
Forever trusting who we are
and nothing else matters

Never opened myself this way
Life is ours, we live it our way
All these words I don't just say
and nothing else matters

Trust I seek and I find in you
Every day for us something new
Open mind for a different view
and nothing else matters

never cared for what they do
never cared for what they know
but I know

8 Comments:

Blogger Vignesh said...

Dire Straits, Nirvana, Metallica... damn... marry me ?!?!?!? ;)

I LOVE this song ! The MTV Live version, with the SanFran Orchestra, man, that makes me feel so... free.

3:14 pm  
Blogger J said...

how many ppl do i marry? ;)

5:13 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Deja Vu.... will we see 30 odd comments again? ;)

5:36 pm  
Blogger Vignesh said...

Who else is in the lineup !?!?!? :(

5:39 pm  
Blogger J said...

Dude, i'm married already
:-p

11:32 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Liar! Then Y the heck did U ask me if I knew anything abt Mr. V? Y were U so interested in him, then? Liar!

12:49 pm  
Blogger J said...

MwnN......... :-O kyun be *&^%$#... when did i tell u all that?

PS: Which V. r u talking abt? :-p

1:00 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

we are talking abt your blogs here, for heavens' sake.. its the V on top only.. and Y can't U be frank? U like the way he thinks, U go for it.. simple..

4:53 pm  

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